Disconnected Bowling
June 20, 2004 PM/Bowling Alley, South Kingston, RI
Here's a little story about how I spent an hour and a lotta money yesterday. Tessa is the 12-year old daughter of Carol, Marsha's cousin who lives in California. Tessa is here for a week's adventure on the Merner farm. Mike was off fishing, which is about all he likes to do these days when he isn't eating or drinking, and Betty was busy with school work so I offered to "entertain" Tessa for the morning:"The Bluebird Cafe had customers spilling out the door and literlly sprawled over the parking lot, The Breakfast Nook wasn't much better, nor Phil's cafe, which I wouldn't go to anyway, so I drove over to the good 'ol standby, the Bowling Alley, where I knew we could get a seat without a wait between the blue hairs.
Tessa ordered apple juice, scramble eggs, toast with bacon, ham, and sausage (She ate it all!). I had tomato juice, two eggs over light with dry dark toast, bacon and a side of corned beef hash (that was too salty), and coffee. The bill came to almost $18. Ouch! This is not NYC!!!
During breakfast, Tessa asked me six times if we could bowl. I was feeling the old "Uncle Phil" tug so it didn't take much to get me on the lanes. I gotta tell you though, it now costs $4 per person per game! plus the cost of shoes and socks, which she needed also. (When I was a kid, it costs $.10 per game...I know, I know, that was prehistoric times.) But you get to keep the socks. Whew, what a relief that was!! Or you could buy one hour for $24, so I did the math and thinking we could play more than three games in an hour, opted for the hourly fee. Little did I know that Ms. Tessa would spend precious minutes looking for a different ball after each roll, and fooling around wasting time sitting down pushing the ball down the alley so slow it almost went backwards, or standing with her back to the pins and throwing the ball backwards between her legs then fall spread eagle on the floor crawling around like a flannel lobster dusting up. How was I to know that we would barely get three games in and just about break even on the fee?
When we signed up for the alley the girl asked if we wanted bumpers. I didn't know what the hell she was talking about, but Tessa said "Yes". Well, bumpers are rubber guards that can be raised along the length of the alley to keep balls from going in the gutter. Tessa had more than a few (triple) "Fences", as the computerized monitor over the scorekeeper's seat displays in disneyesque cartoon fashion to keep the kids entertained...god forbid they should have to actually think about how to keep the ball on the alley next time! She actually beat me the second game because she got lots of pins with the help of the bumpers boucing the ball back and forth onto the alley and into the pins, to say nothing about how badly I sucked that game.
In the third game I ruled! Going into the tenth frame I've got nothing but strikes and spares, and I get two more strikes in the tenth for a turkey. With the last ball of the tenth half way down the alley, the whole system goes down. Time has run out!!! What the fuck!!!!!!! I'm on my way to a 200+ game for the first time in about 40 years and the lousy system shuts down. Ouch! Do I feel like I've just been screwed? Like someone just stamped SUCKER on my forehead? (I would have ended with a score of 203). Where's the satisfaction there?
And speaking of computers, here's a perfect example of misapplication of technology. The system automatically keeps your score and displays it on the monitor real time, with little attention-grabbing animations to accompany your performance, like a shower of pins being strewn in all directions to reenact the strike you just got. Or a display of the three pins left standing with instructions on where to throw the ball and a rating of difficulty of high, medium or low in order to get the spare...hopefully not in the gutter...or against the bumper.
So, what we now have is:
So, there you have it. Another American myth realized. Dumbing down and disconnect from reality can be fun."A working-class game that costs more than the average daily wage to play for a couple of hours.
A system (bumper guards) that prevents failure and assures a moderate level of success, thereby "leveling the playing field" and ensuring that everyone is equally as bad as everyone else. God forbid that kids should have to experience failure and make an effort to work towards improving their game.
A computerized system that plays cartoons to tell you what just happened so you don't have to analyze your own performance and make adjustments, which fits perfectly into young America's 10-second attention span reality, which is very much like what happens on Network TV when pundits and talking heads tell us what politicians have just said after a speech.
A technological system that does the keeps score for you, so you don't have to tax your mind by doing the addition required to keep score of your own game thereby developing math skills...and at the same time distances you from the results of your performance because you have been removed from actually measuring your own performance.
And, a system that totally disregards your personal involvement in the game, and denies you the pleasure and satisfaction of completion of a successful effort.
I don't think I'll be bowling again any time soon. At least not for another 40 years. By then they should have a system that throws the balls down the alley for you. I think Mike has the right idea. Go fishing.